Being Vulnerable is Awful, but Apparently Necessary

Just recently I had this moment of realization that to be in a relationship I have to be vulnerable, ew I hate that word and what it entails, but I’ve realized that you have to do that in order to make connections to people whether it be friendships or romantic relationships.

When I became single again, I had this attitude that not everyone deserved to get to know the real me, and to a point I still agree to that, HOWEVER it’s evolved into the mentality of not everyone is worthy of my time, but you should never dull yourself or not show people the amazing person you are. I was so afraid if I allowed people to see me and get to know the real me that I would end up in the same situation I was in before…giving myself to someone and completely losing myself in the process. But as we as humans do, we grow and we learn and we look at things differently. So, here I go…trying to be vulnerable and not appear like I’m the Ice Queen.

In the past few years, I wasn’t willing to give myself to anyone emotionally, so the ghosting and the bread crumbing never really bothered me because it protected me from having to be vulnerable. It’s taken me years to finally be in a space where actually trying and being vulnerable in a potential relationship sounds like something I’m willing to dip my toes into.

The men I’ve dated in the recent years were the typical “I’ll put in the effort and be really good at it when I want something and once I get it, POOF.” And let me tell you, back in my early twenties if all a guy wanted was to hook up, there was minimal effort put in, no trying to get to know you, no good morning texts, none of that. Nowadays though, these men (and women I'm sure) really act like they like you and want to get to know you and some of them really do get to know you and then DING someone rang the bell for Casper the Ghost to come out and play and you just got ghosted.

Again, this behavior didn’t really bother me in the beginning of stepping into the dating world again because it protected me from having to go too deep with someone. I didn’t realize I wasn’t ready to be emotionally available for someone, but when you’re newly single sometimes you just need to get back into the dating world and try, otherwise you’ll just be stuck. And let’s just be real here my life isn’t a Hallmark movie where the man of my dreams is just going to fall in my lap.

After about three or four guys doing this to me over a span of a few years, it started to get to me just a little. I decided to take a look at myself and see what I was doing and not doing and reevaluate how I went about this game we call dating. I started to realize that I really put no effort in with these guys and really didn’t show them that I liked them at all. I wanted the man to come to me 100% of the time and if he didn’t so be it, his loss. But it’s a two- way street and I had to think of how I would feel if someone behaved the way I did…and the conclusion was that I’d walk away too because I would have thought they had no interest in me, so why keep trying?

After realizing this I started to try a little bit more and see if I got different results. Honestly, I didn’t, but the fact that I was attempting to be vulnerable was a big step for me as a person, so at the end of the day I consider this a win and something I can continue to work on and get better at.

I haven’t really met too many new men lately, however the last two I’ve talked to I reminded myself that “in order to receive love I have to give love” and this really helped me. It made me look at things differently, it’s no longer a competition or a game to win anymore, it’s just being a normal human, who cares about people and shows them that, and that is OK. At the end of the day I am much more calm and happy with how things are turning out by allowing myself to give and be ok with showing people I care about them. If they’re too broken to receive that, that’s ok...that’s a them problem, but at least I know that I did my part and treated them with compassion and respect.

So, to the women and men out there who have a hard time allowing someone in, I’ll leave you with this: not everyone is your ex, not everyone is out there to hurt you, it’s better to give love to the wrong person than to never give love again. If someone breaks your heart again, you’re going to heal, you’ve made it this far, you’ll make it through the next one too. If a new potential relationship doesn’t work out, just take the positive from it…think about the fun things you did with that person you may have never done, or look at the growth you made as a human and apply that to the next one. Level up, level up, level up.